Live on. Dream fast. Breath Deep. Be strong.

"doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal dared to dream before"

--"The Raven", Egdar Allen Poe

i am a twisted beauty...emancipated and rarefied.

there is something so right about being happy. about holding another. about them holding you back. about knowing that people love you. about you loving them right back. about smiling at people. about having a smile returned. about friends, lovers, fathers, mothers.

i am happy. i am free. i am twisted. i am beautiful.

to say goodbye will hurt.

hold me closer tiny dancer....

today my littlest sister turned 12. (for those who dont know, i have two little sisters, one recently 15 and the other now 12.)

i can remember when i was 12. i remember thinking the boys in my class were so manly. i look at the boys in Danielle's class...they are so cute, small, etc. not manly. of course, looking at the boys i know, that are my age...well one day i'll laugh about them too...

hmmm

im in quite a good mood. Got some flowers the other day. flowers are nice...Iceland Poppies...VERY nice....

i made quite a number of people increadibly uncomfortable yesterday. i didnt mean to, and i had a great time, but i could tell everyone else wasnt feeling the love, and there was nothing i could do. it wasnt deliberate, not in the least...but it happened, and i feel really bad. all concerned assure me that they are over it, and that all first meetings are awkward, and that it was thier fault for not being quite as 'unawkward' as possible...but thats not the point. i still feel bad. ill get over it, and i will try my very hardest not to put people in that situation again...

but still, i had a great time. my other little sister, Jessica, My boy and my bud...i had a blast....

ummm, what else should i say?

um. i think thats about it.

dancing away

like nobody notices

spinning around

like nobody cares

eyes open, crying

arms open, waiting

lights on, burning

hold me closer tiny dancer....

just a little longer

well, well, well. it really is suprising how i continue to blog with so little to actually say. Nothing of much consequence, nothing of much importance, nothing of much interest...still i enjoy it! thats the main thing. I really enjoy this.

Today i pulled out my B.O.W. from last year, im going to improve it, and in some cases, finish it. looking at it after a time i can see what i should have done, but also what i did well. My topic was obesiety, and how it can affect, and destroy someones life. I based it on a girl who wants to be a ballerina, but obviously cannot. i think i ended up calling it "Shattered Dreams". She is overdosing on prozac in one painting and in the other she is looking at several different mirrors, some reflecting an overexhaggeration of her, and some showing what she would love to look like. The main one is a full frontal nude...my christian school didnt like it much. i was allowed to show it once, then too many people complained, so it got banned. i was pretty pissed...spending ALOT of time on something that wasnt even going to be able to be seen....oh well. In fron of the two paintings are nine sculptures. 8 of ballerinas thin and graceful, and one ver large one. i mad tutus for them all, and put ribbon around thier legs....it really took a long time. I miss art. i miss my art class. i still hang out with them, they are actually the group of girls i hang out with at school; but it is so very different in an art class room...more personal, more annoying really. we all hated each other, but we knew if we didnt have each other we would kill ourselves instead of each other....

Im glad to have somthing creative to work on again. i have no creative subjects this year, and i was starting to really bake a whale...

in case you are not stalking me, and do not know what the inside of my room looks like, it is yellow. But besides that, two walls are covered with posters, newspaper clipings and any intereting picture i can fine. Ranging from black and white shots of babies, to 75 year old women in latex to leunig cartoons to articles about einstein's brain....i really like my walls. I have a great big "Kill Bill Vol. 1" poster above my bed...she's pretty hot. Not that i much go for blonds. or women.

ITs relatively depressing fighting your little sisters off the phone and out of your room, just to go online, just to be met with an empty inbox and no one online...no one loves me.

I've lasted till now i will last a little longer.

its saturday afternoon, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of night, in the middle of my mind. but i cant find it

*sighs*

another term begins, come monday. my last full term of school.
ah, life goes on.

today a good buddy of mine turned 18. Spent a really nice day at the beach with him and co. i aint got him a present yet though. i suck

i have noticed that people often address thier bloggs to either themselves or to the public. i am yet to decide which i shall choose. and being in a quite indecisive mood i doubt i will decide today. why should i have to decide anyway? i can leave it up to the people reading it, whether it be me or you. free form. line of consciousness. i like it. i will. she has.

Massive attack is great. "Teardrop"-wonderful.
have i got anything exciting to tell you? any ranuchy expose? anything at all? no, not as such.
depressing? i hear you ask, not really. no news is good news right?

"....fearless on my breath..." loves it!

anything more to say? other then the fact that chemical bros. rocks hard core, i doubt it.

i wonder how she is going. i miss her. i am used to missing her. Actually. i miss him too. i wonder how he is going. i dont usually miss him like this. perhaps he is growing on me...perhaps. stranger things have happened.

"water is my eye, most faithful mirror...."

today today

today i found out that one of my best friends is going to be away for my 18th....this is sad.
today i randomly bumped into an old friend who i have decided i really miss.....this is also sad.
today i got some application forms for UNE, ill be gone this time next year......this is tremendously sad
Today i decided that im looking forward to my life, though its scarey and kinda weird. Frineds move, and then move further away, i move and then move further away.

today i am, one day i will be.

"Life is simply lovely if you are simple enough to love it"

i am no one of great consequence

hmmmm, wellity wellity

I am probably moving. In a few months, but soon. Too soon. I seriously doubt i can look after myself, ill try, but i aint never really done it before. I feel too young, much too young.
i realise there are so many people i am going to miss, people who i hope are going to miss me. i feel torn. Stay with family and friends, or go and live my own silly existance? Im looking forward to Uni, Coffs, new people, but i am suddenly so happy here.

My Dad, forever devoted to me; My little sisters...i dont know what ill do without them to protect, my identity is almost completely made in being a big sister. Mum. My friends...Bek, Christy, Maree, Christanie, Amanda, Matty, all of them.
i am so happy here, i dont want to go.

Plenty of my other friends have done it. Two of my closest...and they were younger then me. But they wanted to, there was not much keeping them...their lives lay ahead.

Security is cruel. I am happy and secure in myself, and my world, and now im going to change it all. It has to happen. There is a chance i wont get in. i just might fail the HSC and stay here, but then ill regret much. Too much

it doesnt matter, ill go and live and be happy, or not. and enjoy it, or not. but ill have done it.
I am no one of great consequence and no one will know, many will care, but soon, no one will know...