opium of the masses

today i finnished my trial HSC exams...
pok is 21 on saterday. yay.

what is most remarkable about the people around me and the people i love and the people that love me and the people i hate and the people that hate me is that, often, they are the same people. and that sometimes, slightly less often, those people are all the same person. me. and yet, what continues to occurr is the suprise and the unexpected pleasure of finding these things out. theres nothing new under the sun, the opium of the masses, the uphoria of the crowds continues at much the same rate, as it always has, for mush the same reasons. the need to conform and fit in is taken advantage of, exploited. and well we deserve it. the need to have a leader to follow blindly into debt and all things forgoten. i went to theatre sports last night, and poks housemate Brodie made a wonderful point, unitentionally im sure, in a skit. she said somthing to the effect of: 'one day a man decided to do an experiment. he stood in the same spot, and stared in awe at thin air. eventually someone noticed and stood next to him, and stared at the same thin air. soon lots of people came and they all stood, close together, staring at the same blank spot. when there was a large group the first man walked a little away from the group, and faced them; pointing at them, and staring. Eventually someone else noticed him pointing and staring at the large group, so they he stopped and stared too. Soon ANOTHER huge group of people was standing there, staring at the big group of people staring at nothing.' opium of the masses. ecstasy of the people. uphoria of the crowds. bleating of the sheep.

hole lotta love

according to Steinberg, "a bagel is a donut with a Jewish education....The thing that makes a bagel a bagel is that the dough is boiled then baked"

what if the dough were baked then boiled? a jewish educator with a donut? an educated Jew with a bagel? a jewish bagel with an educated donut?

im going insane.

she laughs too easily and cries too hard

i have come back to this same spot again. its funny the little habits we get into. ever day i come to this same spot, stand the same place, to study a girl. she is either very self conscious, or she has a strong, self assured, quiet, confidence. she is young. i want to know how she got here. why she is the way she is. why she stands this way, dresses like that; why does she smile so big? her eyes are clear, as though she has just seen the direction she wants to go, and even knows how to get there, but still has the pleasure of the uncertanty of what she might find at the end. how will she end? will she be missed? she coveres her face, but i can still see right through her. she is not shy, she is unsure.
she stares. at me. why wont she turn away? i look at her. study her hard. she stares. she is in my way. she doesnt move. if i were a better person, id ask her what was wrong. there seems to be something wrong. her brown eyes follow my on eye-line. she traces my frame with her eyes. she knows somthing i dont. she stares. i still am unsure if i should ask her her name; if i should introduce myself, or simply walk away. do i hold her and tell her to stop crying? do i walk past like i dont notice? she smiles through her tears. do i smile back, or am i already smiling and she is smiling back at me? we step towards each other. she doesnt say a word. neither do i. she is short, brown hair; she is wearing jeans- the same as mine. she brushes the hair out of eyes. i can see her clearly now. i recognise her- she is hurt. she is happy. right now, i like her. shes a friend. though, there are times when i just want to smash her. but they say thats seven years bad luck.

copyright

"charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting"

aahhh
what do i have to say? not much really...as per usual. i do however have some movies to tell you about...i tried to talk about them the other night but, well...see previous!

-"kiss kiss (bang bang)"- its a cute movie with the Penn guy who isnt Sean Penn...and the guy who plays the poet in a Knight's tale...(which was crap). but this is really good, and has a fabulous soundtrack...and its loosley about hitmen.

-"The tango lesson"- which turned out to be a sally potter movie, with the director, writer and main actor being sally potter. its weird, like her movies ive seen thus far (eg Orlando). but it has some hot tango in it. unfortunately the music wasnt as raunchy as i had hoped...but you get that

-"Mallrats"- this the funniest movie i have seen in a good long time...it was hilarious. Kevin Smith (writer/director/silent bob) is brillinat. If you've seen/enjoyed Clerks, dogma, chasing amy, or Jay and Silent bob strike back, then you will love this one...its pretty good. its very offensive though. in true kevin smith style...its good anyway

-"Ghost World"- this was pretty good too. Scarlet Johanson (*growls*) shes hot. there are some mad outfits in this...its pretty funny too. but seeeing as i watched it at about 1:00 in the morning you may not find it draged on as much as i did. its got a cool opening scene where a crazy chick in a mask dances to psycho 20's music...

i also saw "the three penny opera"...which i didnt enjoy as much as what i had hoped...but it lived up to the "theatre company's standards...it had mac the knife in it.

this weekend i discovered a new love for NERD...its sexy. very well produced.
i dont realy have anything more to say...except perhaps express my fear for the up-comming trials.

note to self: get birthday present for boyfriend's 21st

"She's sexy...she wants to move"

"not a mother, not a friend, but a women..."

fuck fuck fuck....i just deleted my entire entry, just before i published it.
fuck that!!

yahy

today, i have some very ineteresting news....well i find it interesting. well...anyway today i finnished my very last assignment forver (for school anyway)
thats all.
just think youd like to know.
maybe not.
love you all
ps mitchell- nice comeback to my communism comment...
xoxox

most everybody's mad here...

good evening dear hearts.

i am in the finest of moods. and might i just add, what a "Fine name philbert is". ok, so you have to know my mum and i to get that...i wonder how the darling is.

"The Cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good- natured, she
thought: still it had verylong claws and a great many teeth, so she felt
that it ought to be treated with respect."

I wish i was a cheshire cat. i will be one day. i have decided. i will be a cheshire cat. forget university. pfft- there would be less need for psychologists if there were more chershire cats about. dont you agree? if there are bo cheshire cats, maybe some normal, less exuberant, cats, thats smiled more....like they do when they are lying in your lap, in the sun, listening to you read alice in wonderland to them. i love my cat. yes. i shall be a cheshire cat.

`Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin,' thought Alice; `but a grin without
a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever say in my life!'

indeed. i cant think of a better world really...

`Once,' said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, `I was a real Turtle.'

So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.

`

Well, there was Mystery,' the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the subjects on
his flappers, `--Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography: then
Drawling--the Drawling-master was an old conger-eel, that used to come once
a week: he taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.'

i dont know sometimes. i do so desperately wish that i did not exist sometimes. then it would be eaier to feel as though i dont. understand? it would be easier and better understood to be melodramatic, and odd. it would be easier to be slightly misunderstood by everyone, because everyone else is odd, melodramatic and slightly misunderstood, and you are loved by all. and you love all. and noone thinks you are strange.

however, seeing as that is not about to happen...ill just have to continue being the silly thing that i am...i love my life

i am happy.

"parting is sich sweet sorrow, that i shall say goodnight until it be morrow"

my last english assignment was handed in today. the last one forever. FOREVER!!! (of course now im going to become and english teacher and do it the rest of my life....touch wood)

mmmm

i have to say one of the greatest movies(...well to me) is "William Shakespears Romeo and Juliet"- baz luhrman movie. i love it. it is so well done. Leo plays a good pric and Clair plays a good 'pathetically- in-love-too-soon-obsession'... i have notices though, that Leonardo is soaking wet about 75% of the movie....must be some fettish of baz....frankly i think they have some of the nicest and most romantic (i hate the way that word has become derrogative) scenes in cinema history. You could probably quote 1000 movies moreso, but i just like the way its done. Kick ass sound track and brilliant casting...i like it anyway.

how am i feeling today? i am quite well i suppose. i got my hair cut...but it looks about the same. kinda dissapointed, but it was a miscommunication from both ends, im over it though. i was gonna go back, but basically i couldnt be bothered.

ok back to how im feeling. im tired. ive had a big few weeks, and its starting to hit home. i miss a lot of people at the moment. my Annika, my scout, bek..aint heard from her for a while. i dunno. its like somone you know goes away or somthing, then they are gone, and you never really forget them but they are gone. then one day something happens, and you remember them. you remeber you miss them. you have lasted till now, and you'll keep on lasting, but there is something small inside you that cries. and it keeps on crying. you cant hear it at foirst, you'll hear a whimper every now and then, but then one day it howls and wails, the most desparing noise you'll ever hear, like the sound of a heart breaking, or the sound of a newely widowed woman, or the distant whimper of a lost soul. then you hear it, and there is nothing you can do to compfort that cry. nothing in the world- but you push on, and eventually she quiets down again. you forget your little crier again, for a while. there are so many people who are gone, who i really cared for, who ill never see again. so amny people who, though i may see them again some time, will never mean the same thing...such is life i suppose. i just hope that they all know exactly how much i love and respect them; how much i miss them. i would love to talk to at least one of them again. people who have only recently left, people who left me a long time ago. anyone.



i love revisiting the past. you remember so much... the human mind really is a fascinatingly scary thing. but on- charge on!!!

hmmmmm i was thinking the other day...about things. and i want to know things. you know? im curious. i want to know my world. All of it. i dont want to regret not knowing something. i want to enjoy everyone i have while i have the chance in every possible way. "i want to see you shine with every possible radiance..." i love my life, i really do.
there is a lot i dont know. a lot i dont want to know. and a lot i do want to know. would it be wrong? to learn everything i can? self preservation, important. enjoying yourself as much as possible, also important. being happy, necessary.

it is hard to persuade people that christianity is the true religion, when so many of us are cruel, and miserable and hauty and arrogant and mean and dead. so many of us are dead. they breath they eat they scream they shout hate they cry and they sing praise to God, but they are all dead, they are not happy, they are sad, alone and convinced they are free. i strive to not be like that. i believe in a God that enjoys watching us, and doesnt mind if we laugh, or act like an idiont in public (other then singing dodgy 'christian' songs in the middle of the street). but then, thats just me. some people say im a fake christian...im happy though. and i have my faith and i like it...and it hurts when you pinch me- so i guess im alive...





i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes off you
i cant take my eyes....

so give me a light or give me a drink, just give me a reason to feel what i think

What is it that is so horrible about prolonging the inevitable…?

Hmmm, today is not going too badly. I am currently in IPT…. ‘researching’ my assignment. Pffft who cares about multimedia systems and animation anyway???

But you know. I cant complain. I am happy. Intensely bored, but still quite happy. I am teaching matt how to dance and hanging with him on Saturday, and Sat. night im having dinner with Pok. Hmm.

Well I don’t have anything of interest to say now. Perhaps I will have something incredible happen to me today so I have something interesting to blog about tonight.?? Unlikely- hence my new found hate for prolonged inevitability.

there you are, right in front of me, yeah my half cup and me

Today has been an interesting day. Indeed, it has been an interesting week. I have managed to glean a number of secrets from a number of people. Eye opening secrets. Of course I shan’t write them here, or anywhere. They were disclosed to me as a secret and they shall remain as such.

I got some more application forms for Uni.

I got an email from Annika. God I miss you. I miss our fucked up theories too….tehehe here’s a new one: "church is like communism, it only works in theory and is a disaster in the wrong hands."
What you reckon??? Hehehe

But, besides missing my soul mate and having a whole lot of work to do in the next few weeks…I am quite well…and happy…and excited. (yes)

I don’t have much more to say.
Enjoy life kids!!!

Be silly be honest be kind
Be missed be loved be happy
Be good be wise…believe.

...yes or no? yes or no? heads or tails? yes or no? god....i dont know. yes.
but then. no. yes? no?
pros and cons.

in a completely unrelated matter:
in two weeks i will have finnished all of my assignments. ALL OF THEM. then i have no more....for a while- then i go to uni, but im sure thats different. im assured it is...

im not sure what to make of the whole cliche of my life being ahead of me and such...ugh!
"my life is just one big cliche"

yes?

Hmmm. what has happened of interest lately? not much. I HAVE PAIN KILLERS.....MWAHAHAHA! ahh, i am quite opposed to drug, as they have a sever tendancy of destroying people's lives, but damn they do a good job!

no?

flipping the coin is a great way of deciding whether or not you should do somthing, etc. and the reason why it is so effective is because if you flip it, and do not like the outcome, you know that you really want the other, and so you can do it in good conscious. however, it is flawed. when you flip the coin, "heads" and say "once more" you get the other, "tails" and say "best two out of three" (you continue flipping "best 3 out of 5" and so on) you are still completely confused, undecided and convinced that god is just playing you for the fool you really are.

so people say, "ask yourself a question relating to it, and the answer that immedialty pops out of your mouth is the true answer to your question". again, a flaw when nothing comes out of your mouth, or worse: "noyes" or WORSE: "djndjgnf".

so you write a list of pros and cons, mentaly of course, and you can think of no pros, or no cons. but you are still convinced you should or should not. logic says no, everyotherfrickenthing says yes.

another way i determine what i want is by asking one of my two closest, and most oppostie of friends. depending on the one i ask advice from, i will know what i want, because i can usually make an educated guess as to what they will say.

so you ask them BOTH, being completely undecided. they both say what you were expecting them to say, the opposite of one another. or WORSE: the opposiet of what they would normally say- effectivly swapping personalities for the conversation.

so you talk to people. of all classes, ages, sexes, religions, ethnic backgrounds, spots, and they all say somthing different. or WORSE: there is an even number of people saying "yes" and "no".

so you say to all of them "but what do i do (explaining the ethical crisis- or whatever it may be)?" and they say "i dont know". or WORSE: "its up to you- flip a coin"

so the horrible process starts all over again. i guess deep down you always know. its just getting that deep that is the problem. i like to think i know myself quite well. a lot better then what the vast majority of the world knows me- and yet, my dilema remains a dilema, and my question frustratingly unanswered.

why wont you run into the rain and play?

how am i feeling this morning?
what day is it?- right sunday. um, im tired. in several different ways. one thing i will say is that period pain is possibly one of the most horrible things to wake up to of a sunday morning after a fairly late night. god. i swear its a prelude to contractions, child birth, all those other things i have to look forward to. i am in a pretty good mood considering.
i feel as though this weekend has gone forever. it was not a bad weekend, it was quite a good weekend; but i feel more exhausted then when i finished school at the end of the week. it was the kind of week when you say to someone on monday: "God! its only tuesday isnt it!"

i saw some pretty good movies this weekend:
- "La Vita E Bella" (life is beautiful)- fabulous movie, its really good, italian fable (in italian)
-"Frida", i really liked it, it was quite beautiful to watch, and not just coz of selma hayek. although i must say, i thought it would be more disturbing then what it was- i remember being increadibly disturbed when we did a case study on her for art.
-"Vatel" its a true story they reckon, it was quite spectacular, the decadence of 17th century france! (but its in english)
go watch them!! tell me what you reckon

um. pok made mum, jessica (sister) jamie (ex housemate) and i a roast dinner out at his place last night. it was REALLY good. and im not just sying it coz hes my boyfriend, it was really really yummy. (i peeled the potatoes). im still feeling a little fazed from our talk we had the other night, but i guess ill get over it.

well, better call scout.